Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!

​

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.

​

I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.

​

What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!

​

What happens if a frog parks illegally? They get toad.

​

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

​

I’ve got a great pizza joke for you. Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.

​

I asked my dad if he could put the cat out. He replied, “I didn’t know it was on fire.”

 

I fear for the calendar. Its days are numbered.

​

Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!

​

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

​

Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.

​

Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.

​

Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.

​

I told my son I’m named after Thomas Jefferson. He says, But dad, your name is Brian. I respond, I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.

​

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.

​

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator! 

​

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

​

Daughter: “Daddy, why didn’t I get a sunburn?” Dad: “You can’t, honey?” Daughter: “Really?” Dad: “You can only get a daughterburn.” 

​

A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

​

I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!

​

Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!

​

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

​

How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.

​

Most comedians are good, trustworthy people. Yep, they’re a bunch of stand-up guys.

​

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

​

Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!

​

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

​

Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.

​

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide but you can’t run.

​

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.

​

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

​

Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

​

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.

​

What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don't worry i'll ketchup.

​

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!!

​

Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it’s tearable.

​

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone. And then it dawned on me.

​

Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.

​

What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!

​

What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!

​

“Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse.”

​

Did you hear that new band Plastic? They mostly wrap.

​

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

​

What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!

​

Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.

​

Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Because they’re shellfish.

​

Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.

​

Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colour? He had a reptile dysfunction.

​

Can February March? No, but April May!

​

“Sorry, I was all up in your grill about cooking yesterday.” —Bob Belcher, Bob’s Burgers

​

What’s black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.

​

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

 

What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”

​

What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.

​

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

​

I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!

​

How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it.

​

What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.

​

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

​

A nurse told me, “Sorry for the wait!” I replied, “It’s alright, I’m patient.” 

​

I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.